A Lovely Day

I don't know that you can really call this a blog because it will be short, sweet and to the point.

I woke up this morning (exhausted from taking care of my 5 month old daughter alone since friday) knowing that today was a day of new beginnings. I just knew the sun was going to shine and there would be a smile on my face.

I bought a picture last night that says the following: Today....let go of a worry, laugh out loud, create a joy, relive a memory, Relax. I will read it everyday and try to do what it says everyday.

I am blessed....no doubt about it. I have a great family. I can only count my good friends on one hand, but they are friends that I know are always there.

Stuck

This weekend has been one of the hardest weekends of my life...and trust me, my life hasn't been the easiest. As exhaustion sets in, I'm finding the need to write out just a quick note on my feelings so I can hopefully get a good night sleep in order to take care of my child tomorrow.

I find myself caught between two of my friends. One who is married and lost a child to miscarriage and other, who is not married and just informed me that she is pregnant. My heart aches for each of them in different ways.

I know that God is calling me to be there for both of them and that is what I will do, but for now....I really wish my husband were here to hold me up and catch the tears that just keep falling.

Pieces of the Puzzle

I don't know exactly how I'm going to express the feelings that I have inside right now. So as my husband would say...if it comes out wrong, I'll fix it later.

I think in a matter of 4 hours, I have felt every single emotion possible. Hurt, anger, frustration, happiness, lonliness and sorrow are just some. I feel like I need to curl up in a blanket with a huge bowl of ice cream and a sappy movie just so I have an excuse to cry the buckets of tears that I know others are shedding with me. These tears do not fall for me, but rather for my friends whom I love so dearly. The fact that I can't help them tears me apart.

I am the type of person that many people would call "Ms. Fixit." When my friends are hurting, I would give anything just to make them smile again and make everything okay. I am sorry, but telling me to pray for them just isn't good enough sometimes! I need to do something...even if I just sit in the silence with them. And when I say silence, I mean it because I usually end up saying something completely wrong because I feel the need to help them and it only makes things worse. (Please note that I do pray for them becuase I know that God is truly the only one who can comfort them as He should be.)

Anyways....my mom always tells me that I take on the weight of the world. I end up taking on the trials that my friends go through as my own. I don't do it for attention and I know that I can't keep putting everything in my "backpack" but I do it because I would rather all these things happen to me than to see one of my friends shed a single tear. They are all good people and deserve nothing but the best in life.

Ultimately, I know that everyone and everything will be okay. (Romans 8:28 - And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.) I find myself saying that God sees the whole puzzle and we just get a glimpse of a few pieces. God knows how to put the puzzle together and knows how each piece works together to make a beautiful creation. I think as people, we end up being hurt, sad, lonley, angry etc. because there are pieces to the puzzle that are unknown to us. We don't know why God allows us to go through the trials that we go through. I do think that we grow to be stronger people because of our trials; however it's so hard not to have a mix of emotions while walking through them. Why we (really it should be I) don't turn to God first is beyond me. Why is it that our human nature is to try to solve everything on our own rather than letting the Lord fix things when He knows how the pieces fit together. Didn't God make emotions? Doesn't God know everything? Why don't we (again I) lean on Him first?

Saying all of this...I find myself doing the only thing I know how to do. Pray.

Dear Jesus,

I pray right now that you will hold each and every one of my friends in your hands. Lord, you know their situations, you know their hurts, and their fears. Wrap your loving arms around them and give them peace. Let them know that you are in total control of their lives and you have an AMAZING future planned for them. Lord, help us all to trust you with our hearts, knowing You will turn all things into good for those who love You and are called according to Your purpose. We love you Lord.

Amen

Beauty Pagents?

I was never a fan of beauty pagents. Never really got into watching the Miss America contests because frankly, I don't care to watch a bunch of women prance around showing off their so called "perfect" bodies only to make myself realize that I don't have the perfect abs or the long slender legs that they do. (lets face it....we all know I have the shortest legs around.) I think the world paints a picture of what perfect is and it's wrong! I honestly think everyone is perfect in their own way, because that is how God designed them to be. I don't think any woman will ever be happy with the way that she looks, but I think that as women we should be encouraging each other that we are perfect in God's site because we are all made in the image of Him. We should all find peace in that. (I know...positive thinking...it never works that way!)

With this in mind, I find myself wondering if I should get my little girl into baby modeling. Now, let me just say that I am not a fan of dressing my child up in high heals, frilly dresses, way too much makeup and teasing her hair until it stands 1 foot off the top of her head. I do not in any way want to enter her in beauty pagents and make her feel like she has to act, feel and look a certain way because that is what society says she is supposed to do. However, I wouldn't mind if she modeled children's clothing or something of the sort. The only thing is that...would people think she is cute enough for it?

As a parent, you always think your baby is adorable...even if others don't think so. (I know you have told someone their baby is cute and then went home and said that it was the ugliest baby you've ever seen) Parents have a skewed opinion and rightfully so. But how you do know that a baby really is cute? I have had numerous people tell me that my daughter is beautiful, even complete and total strangers who have no obligation to stop me during a dinner out and tell my that my baby is beautiful. But, I don't know these people. For all I know, they do it for every baby they see to make their parents feel proud!

So once again, I am left wondering, is she cute enough and will it be worth the effort to get her started. So, I decided to start her off small and enter her in a beautiful babies contest through WB17. On July 6th the voting starts, so if you truly think my daughter is beautiful go to httpttp://beautifulbabies.trb.com/wphl/babies_home_gallery,0,6338980,permalink.ugcphotogallery?u=christina.moses1 and vote for her. I'm not expecting anything to happen because I'm sure there will be thousands of other babies entered, but at least I tried right?

The weight has been lifted!!

This week has been a very LONG week. A few months ago I signed up to take a course for my Property & Casualty Insurance License. It was a three day course that is supposed to prepare you to take the licensing test. Now, in my head I figured that I would just go to the class during the day and resume with my normal life afterwards. Yeah right......that didn't happen.

The class started on Tuesday and was located in Radnor. I had to leave my house at 6:30am in order to drop off the baby, beat the traffic and get to the class on time. That meant I was up at 5:15am. All I can say...I was exhausted before the class even started. On top of getting up early, I didn't get home from the class until 6pm due to traffic. My goodness, that's a long day. Now, many people do that everyday, however I am not accustomed to such a long day and I'd like to keep it that way.

This went on for three days. On top of that, my day didn't end when I got home; rather the night was filled with studying. Now, this normally wouldn't be a big deal to most people, but my husband wasn't home at night due to prior obligations therefore I had to get a babysitter for my daughter. Again, not a big deal, but I missed her so much it hurt. She spent the whole night at my moms on tuesday and it just didn't feel right when I woke up on Wednesday morning and she wasn't there. I learned very quickly how much I hate being away from my family. They are my life and when I'm not with them, a part of me is missing.

Anyways, this whole schedule went on for three days. Yes, I missed Isabella and Phil the whole time and everynight before bed I'd pray that I would pass my test just so I could spend time with my family again.

So today I woke up at 6:30am and immediately started reviewin the information for the exam, which was scheduled at 11am in Philadelphia. Phil, bless his heart, took the day off and got up with the baby and even made me breakfast for the "big day." At 9am I was off. I was so scared the whole way...not just because this is an extremely hard test, but because I had to drive into Philadelphia, which I just don't do.

Well, it was time, I was placed in front of the computer to take my exam. I prayed the whole way through the test and 2 hours later, I hit the "done" button. (yes, I was shaking at this point). Now, I'm thinking ok I'll know what I got....but NO.....I had to take a stinking survey first. So annoying!!

Finally, my results showed. All I saw were numbers, but nothing was the information I was looking for. My heart started pounding. I could feel the heat in my face. Then I saw it....in the upper left hand corner of the screen. PASS It was the most beautiful word I've seen since I found out I was pregnant.

So now, I just have to get fingerprints and actually apply for my license, but the pressure is off and I can rest easy!

Thanks for all of you who prayed. The prayers were answered!

I think I can...I think I can...

Well...I finally mustered up the nerve to take my property and casualty insurance license exam. This exam is composed of approximately 200 of the hardest multiple choice questions you could possibly think of. So for me, someone who is not a good test taker, this test has DOOM written all over it. In addition, most people fail the first time they take the test..so needless to say, I am very intimidated.

Since it is our slow time at work, I have spent 8 hours a day studying my rear off. I take practice exams all day and drill the information into my head. On top of that, I will take a 3 day course which outlines the main sections of the exam next week all in hopes that I will pass the exam the first time.

This is worse than being back in school! I just don't understand how it is possible for someone to retain this amount of information. It's crazy! In fact, I find my self saying "I think I can...I think I can" just to make myself believe that there is a slight possibility that I will actually pass this thing.

So...let us all hope and pray that God has grace on me and allows me to pass, because I really don't want to take this exam twice.

A Lazy Sunday

For the first time in a long time, I actually got to take a nap! To most people, this may not seem to be a big deal, but to the mother of a 4 month old baby who is teething...it's the most WONDERFUL thing in the world! So.....needless to say, I'm feeling very well rested tonight, which is why I am able to take some time to write tonight.

I stayed up last night to watch the movie Taken with my husband. For those of you who have not seen it, it's a movie about a young girl who is kidnapped in Paris while on the phone with her father. She is sold into the world of sex trafficing and the movie is about the lengths that her father goes through to get her back. As a new mom, this movie was very hard for me to watch. I had a huge mix of emotions through the movie, but by the end, I was sobbing. Through the tears I asked my husband to promise that he would never let anything happen to our daughter.

I'm learning how to be a better mom each day, and even though I know I'll never be perfect, one thing I do know is that I love my daughter more than I knew was possible. The movie really made me realize just how amazing it is that your child can capture your heart within an instant and it's the most rewarding feeling in the world. The movie also really made me take a look at my life and realize what is important; family and friends. So, I spend each day as if it is my last..making sure each family member and friend knows just how much I love them. That's what people will remember. No one will remember that I paid the mortgage every month or did the laundry every week, but they will remember the love that I have for each and every one of them.

So, to my family and my closest of friends, I love you very much and am blessed to have you in my life. You help make me what I am today and I will be forever grateful.